Menopause conversations go wrong for three main reasons.

Because the school don’t want to listen or make changes.

Because the menopausal members of staff think that they’re entitled to everything they ask for.

So much is obvious. But number three?

Because either one of them believes that the other holds that position.

Mistrust

There’s often a fundamental mistrust of each other’s position - and they are two different positions. You’ve got one person trying desperately to get things put in place that allow them to do their job. You’ve got another person whose priority is the running of the whole school - and the interests of all the staff and children - to consider.

Neither of those positions are wrong - but there’s a space between them. It’s going to take each person to peel themselves off the wall and move towards the other. It’s hard to do that if you don’t feel you’re going to be met in the middle.

Compromise

Compromise is important - but the word suggests each person has to lose as much as they gain.

I imagine this as an ice-skating rink. Yes, you need to have the courage to come of the sides and meet each other in the middle, but unless you actually start to skate together you’re still unstable and you’re still not doing anything creative.

Problem solving

This is the dance at the heart of it. One problem, two brains, both of them open to explore solutions. There may be a solutions that neither has thought about. The solutions you’ve already thought about, may not be as practical or as useful as you’d thought.

Balance

All this is hard to do if you don’t trust your own balance. If you’re not confident in your understanding of menopause and in your handling of this kind of situation, or if you’re upset about this and fearing the worst. Or if you don’t trust each other.

Skill

The conversation will challenge listening skills on both sides. It will require empathy. It will require openness. Those are the things that build trust.

Training

Nobody does this overnight. Torville and Dean (yes, I’m showing my age) trained for years. Fortunately you don’t have to win any Olympic medals - you just have to find a solution that works.

I help by training school leaders to understand menopause and to prepare for those conversations. I also work with menopausal staff, through workshops or mentoring to help them work out and communicate the problems that are hindering them the most as they go through menopause in schools.

The other top tip

One way to make this conversation easier is to have it sooner. That means creating a culture where menopause is something accepted, understood and supported. I help with that too!